I watched football with one of my classmates this evening (England vs. Trinidad and Tobago, England finally getting their shit together in the last 10 minutes and pulling off a 2-0 win (that would have been 2-1 if whatshisname hadn't been offside)). Nope, not the brown-eyed boy. One of the other ones. The ones that have confessed their complete and utter indifference to football. And as a result of this, I have come up with the following.
I. Thou shalt not invite thyself to the football, then spend the entire game whining that thou art bored. You chose to watch it. Suck it up.
II. Thou shalt not interrupt me when I'm texting my friends in the UK and Canada that _DO_ care about the football and with whom I can actually discuss the unfairness of the foul committed on/by player X and other such important matters.
III. Thou shalt not accuse the players of being shit when thou dost not fully understand the game. That privilege shall be reserved for those of us who know and understand the offside rule and what constitutes a foul and other 'obscure' trivia.
IV. Thou shalt not whine when thy favourite player gets subbed off - especially if he's only your favourite because you think he's hot.
V. Thou shalt listen to me denigrate a player one instant, then laud him to the skies the next (*coughcrouchcough*) without commenting on my lack of steadfastness.
VI. Thou shalt not interrupt me to discuss players' appearances. At least not when the ball is anywhere near a net. During stoppages in play, however, this is acceptable (hey, I'm a straight female, what do you want from me?).
VII. Thou shalt not tell me that the team that won did not deserve to win. Granted, they might have played like crap for MOST of the game, but in the end, they DID manage to score those goals. Although there has been the odd exception to this rule (*coughenglandparaguaycough*).
VIII. Thou art allowed to ask questions regarding the workings of the game - the rules, why X got a free kick, etc. If, however, you have to ask the same question more than twice in a game, I reserve the right to stop answering and perhaps even make wicked fun of you for your lack of comprehension.
IX. Thou shalt not call the celebrations of all the others watching the game "silly". Maybe you feel no national pride, but I'm betting a lot of others in the room damn well do. This especially applies when you are talking about MY reaction, which was quite minimal when compared to others. You are, however, allowed to point out my potty mouth, as I'm well aware that over the course of the 90 minutes my language goes straight into the toilet and am endeavouring to remedy that problem.
X. Thou shalt not say the players are "doing nothing". I'd like to see you out there for 90 minutes, keeping the ball mostly in your opponent's end. If you must use this statement, please qualify (ie: "They're doing nothing! Their defense is totally missing!" or... "There's absolutely no offense out there!" or... "they're so not covering player X"). The players are NOT inactive.
XI. Thou shalt not whinge about the dramatics of the sport. Yes, all football players take a drama course called "Faking injuries 101" in order to make fouls look particularly deadly and convincing. It's part of the game. It just is. Deal with it.
Anyone else out there have any suggestions to add to the list of commandments?
**Edit - sorry, forgot this bit. Got wrapped up in my self-righteous indignation**
I Am Reading
Academically: A Briefe Treatise concerning the burnynge of Bucer and Phagius at Cambrydge in the time of Queen Mary with theyr restitution in the time of our most gracious soverayne Lady that nowe is. (Arthur Golding, 1562. Bucer and Phagius were already dead... they exhumed their corpses to burn them!)
For Fun: What is this fun of which you speak? I seriously haven't touched a non-school book in about a week now.
Pile of Books on my Windowsill: 9. 1 read, 6 unread, 2 half-read
I. Thou shalt not invite thyself to the football, then spend the entire game whining that thou art bored. You chose to watch it. Suck it up.
II. Thou shalt not interrupt me when I'm texting my friends in the UK and Canada that _DO_ care about the football and with whom I can actually discuss the unfairness of the foul committed on/by player X and other such important matters.
III. Thou shalt not accuse the players of being shit when thou dost not fully understand the game. That privilege shall be reserved for those of us who know and understand the offside rule and what constitutes a foul and other 'obscure' trivia.
IV. Thou shalt not whine when thy favourite player gets subbed off - especially if he's only your favourite because you think he's hot.
V. Thou shalt listen to me denigrate a player one instant, then laud him to the skies the next (*coughcrouchcough*) without commenting on my lack of steadfastness.
VI. Thou shalt not interrupt me to discuss players' appearances. At least not when the ball is anywhere near a net. During stoppages in play, however, this is acceptable (hey, I'm a straight female, what do you want from me?).
VII. Thou shalt not tell me that the team that won did not deserve to win. Granted, they might have played like crap for MOST of the game, but in the end, they DID manage to score those goals. Although there has been the odd exception to this rule (*coughenglandparaguaycough*).
VIII. Thou art allowed to ask questions regarding the workings of the game - the rules, why X got a free kick, etc. If, however, you have to ask the same question more than twice in a game, I reserve the right to stop answering and perhaps even make wicked fun of you for your lack of comprehension.
IX. Thou shalt not call the celebrations of all the others watching the game "silly". Maybe you feel no national pride, but I'm betting a lot of others in the room damn well do. This especially applies when you are talking about MY reaction, which was quite minimal when compared to others. You are, however, allowed to point out my potty mouth, as I'm well aware that over the course of the 90 minutes my language goes straight into the toilet and am endeavouring to remedy that problem.
X. Thou shalt not say the players are "doing nothing". I'd like to see you out there for 90 minutes, keeping the ball mostly in your opponent's end. If you must use this statement, please qualify (ie: "They're doing nothing! Their defense is totally missing!" or... "There's absolutely no offense out there!" or... "they're so not covering player X"). The players are NOT inactive.
XI. Thou shalt not whinge about the dramatics of the sport. Yes, all football players take a drama course called "Faking injuries 101" in order to make fouls look particularly deadly and convincing. It's part of the game. It just is. Deal with it.
Anyone else out there have any suggestions to add to the list of commandments?
**Edit - sorry, forgot this bit. Got wrapped up in my self-righteous indignation**
I Am Reading
Academically: A Briefe Treatise concerning the burnynge of Bucer and Phagius at Cambrydge in the time of Queen Mary with theyr restitution in the time of our most gracious soverayne Lady that nowe is. (Arthur Golding, 1562. Bucer and Phagius were already dead... they exhumed their corpses to burn them!)
For Fun: What is this fun of which you speak? I seriously haven't touched a non-school book in about a week now.
Pile of Books on my Windowsill: 9. 1 read, 6 unread, 2 half-read
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
XII. thou shalt not cry "kick it" or "hit it" at any point during the game. this merely shatters the illusion that thou hast any idea of what is going on whatsoever and reveals thou to be'est a charlatan of the highest echelons.
Ooh, indeed. Nicely spotted, Dr D&C.
You = BRILLIANT
that is all...
XIII. Thou wilt be given a red card for breaking any of the solemn commandments.
XIV. Thou shalt not take note of the fact that I yell at the ref. for giving too many fouls when he yellow cards my team, and then yell at the ref. for not giving enough fouls when he fails to yellow card the other team.
...and thou shalt ignore my horrible english...
(and tell me when the parcel gets in...!)
Crap. I think I'm that girl. hee hee. No really, I only violate the commandment about asking all of the questions at the wrong time. That's why my phone stays off or out of the room during wrestling and people stay out of my house...