So my trip to Ottawa for the last phase of iLeadership and our graduation reinforced a few things for me.

1. I look good (although this time I have specifics - rather than being the "hot one", which was flattering but generic, this time the topic of discussion was my eyes. Which are apparently of note. Woohoo!). On a more serious note, though, it's amazing how much better I've been feeling about myself over the last year. I don't necessarily think it's 'cuz of the weight loss, which has been great in and of itself, but one of my colleagues slipped me a post-it on the first day, saying "you look so confident." I think I might try and frame that post-it and put it on my desk - a reminder that I really am worth other peoples' time and interest.

I have made some fabulous friends through iLeadership, and I hope that I keep in touch with the vast majority of them as we move through our lives and down our *ahem* Leadership Pathways.

2. If I really want to keep my career in government going, I need to move to Ottawa. While this scares the hell out of me, mostly because the loss of what I'd be giving up here in Edmonton is pretty significant, there would be a lot to gain, and I already have a really good support network there. Going to have to do a lot of soul searching over the next couple of years, I think.

3. I really suck at expressing my emotions. Goodbyes in particular, but just in general. I think it's the WASP upbringing. Stiff upper lip and all that. Someone pours their heart out to me and the best I can come up with is "me too" and "the feeling is _totally_ mutual" or "wow, that sucks" or "sorry to hear that" or "I'll miss you too". I mean, seriously. WTF. That's it?! It's kinda like the poetry and passion has been smushed out of my vocabulary. So if you're reading this blog and you've had an emotional encounter with me lately, I apologize. Please know that I _do_ feel, I just can't get it out very easily.

And that is it for now, I guess...

I leave tomorrow. I'm not sure what I think about it. I'll let you know how it goes when I get back.

So with the U of A, I trained myself to say "convocate" instead of "graduate". Now I have to retrain myself... U of York students just plain old 'graduate'. Ah well. But as it turns out, I'm GOING to the ceremony! Yay! So on the 28 of March, I'll hop a plane with my parents (this part I'm a little doubtful about...) get to London on the 29th, and wake up first bloody thing in the morning on the 30th to collect my gown, get pictures done, etc. and go graduate. Much like the first time I gr... convocated... I'm having mixed feelings about this one.

a) I hate having a fuss made over me and my achievements. I'm not all that special or unique. Thousands of other people get Master's degrees each year, so I don't see why they need to make that much fuss, put me in the limelight, take pictures (I'm totally UN photogenic). Not looking forward to that.

b) TOTALLY looking forward to being back in York. I miss it. Much as I was longing to get home, there's something to be said for wandering down thousand-year-old streets each day and having a Starbucks coffee in a 400-year-old house.

c) Don't know what I'm going to do with the 'rents on the Saturday. They say they'll be fine wandering around without me, but I don't know. I feel fairly guilty abandoning them in a foreign country (although having said that, they're sending me home early so that they can gad about in Britain for an extra week and I can come back to work... *sigh*). Especially don't like the fuss they'll be making about me. Drives me nuts. Absolutely nuts. I wish they could just sortof let me have the robes so I could take pictures (to satisfy the 'rents) and then give me the degree with no real ceremony (although if I'd gone to Cambridge, I'd go to the ceremony! It's all in Latin!) and let me go on my way. But, no, I need to go to the ceremony (in the ugliest building on Campus, by the way), have photos taken, go to the luncheon afterwards, schmooze and just generally make myself pleasant for an entire day.

d) have a feeling it's not going to be enough time - I'll get there on Thursday, graduation is on the Friday, Saturday is free, Sunday I'll have to head back to London and then fly out on Monday back to Edmonton...

e) Get to order my graduation robe rental from a place called Ede and Ravenscroft - who've been making graduation robes since 1689 (according to their website...). How cool is that?

f) York's robes are unfortunately ugly as all hell.

So there you have it, folks. I'm sitting here about to bawl and I'm not entirely sure why... I guess it's 'cuz after this I'll have no excuse to head back to England at all in the near future... and I'm not sure when I'll get to go back again at all. Lord knows I'll still not be making enough money to put a lot away for savings... I guess as long as graduation was still just a "way off in the future" sort of thing I could just pretend that it hadn't all really ended and now I can't get away with that any more.

And on a completely unrelated note, if I hear "All I want for Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey one more time, I may shoot myself.