My friend Nicky posted this on her blog a couple of months ago.

It rings so very true.

“you think you are, and consequently treat yourself, as though you are an old book sitting on a shelf. if you feel that no one needs you, you sit there quietly gathering dust and knowledge - waiting patiently for someone to dust you off and devour everything inside.”

“why do you think you do that to yourself?”

So my trip to Ottawa for the last phase of iLeadership and our graduation reinforced a few things for me.

1. I look good (although this time I have specifics - rather than being the "hot one", which was flattering but generic, this time the topic of discussion was my eyes. Which are apparently of note. Woohoo!). On a more serious note, though, it's amazing how much better I've been feeling about myself over the last year. I don't necessarily think it's 'cuz of the weight loss, which has been great in and of itself, but one of my colleagues slipped me a post-it on the first day, saying "you look so confident." I think I might try and frame that post-it and put it on my desk - a reminder that I really am worth other peoples' time and interest.

I have made some fabulous friends through iLeadership, and I hope that I keep in touch with the vast majority of them as we move through our lives and down our *ahem* Leadership Pathways.

2. If I really want to keep my career in government going, I need to move to Ottawa. While this scares the hell out of me, mostly because the loss of what I'd be giving up here in Edmonton is pretty significant, there would be a lot to gain, and I already have a really good support network there. Going to have to do a lot of soul searching over the next couple of years, I think.

3. I really suck at expressing my emotions. Goodbyes in particular, but just in general. I think it's the WASP upbringing. Stiff upper lip and all that. Someone pours their heart out to me and the best I can come up with is "me too" and "the feeling is _totally_ mutual" or "wow, that sucks" or "sorry to hear that" or "I'll miss you too". I mean, seriously. WTF. That's it?! It's kinda like the poetry and passion has been smushed out of my vocabulary. So if you're reading this blog and you've had an emotional encounter with me lately, I apologize. Please know that I _do_ feel, I just can't get it out very easily.

And that is it for now, I guess...

I sincerely hope that everyone has had a wonderful holiday season - although I suppose technically it isn't quite over yet, since there's that whole New Years' thing yet to come.

One of my coworkers sent me a quick message reflecting on Christmas - "So funny how everyone freaks out about Christmas. And then it's over!". It's kinda true, really. I mean... somehow the whole holiday season totally snuck up on me, and now it's almost done. I barely got my Christmas lights up, I barely managed to get gifts for the requisite gift folks... sure didn't get any baking done, or have anyone over for mulled wine/cider...

Then bam! Christmas was here and I was at my parents' and we were eating dinner and the turkey was delicious and then I went to bed and it was over.

There were a couple of other small gatherings on Boxing Day, but of course, by then, the pressure's off - everyone's _had_ their Christmas.

I've suddenly realized that the decade is over. Not just the year, the decade. And I have no idea where the hell it's gone. I mean, I suppose, looking back on the decade, it's been quite eventful. Three university degrees, a year abroad, a developing career in the federal government, getting the hell out of the small town where I went to high school, meeting some amazing people and wonderful friends, saying goodbye to others, new experiences, new countries, weight lost, weight gained, weight lost again, illnesses fought, habits overcome...

I'm not sure where I thought I'd be at 27 years old when the year 2010 hit, but this wasn't it. I'm not good at self-reflection, and not good at visualising... Ask me where I want to be in 2 years, and I can't tell you. There's nothing I'm particularly passionate about - and I've discovered that the few things I _am_ passionate about, require a good-paying job to fulfill (travel, music, history).

I'll be spending NYE at a friend's place - dinner out at an Indian restaurant first, then a night of booze and movies... Then I start the New Year right by doing the Running Room's Resolution Run. Current forecast is a high of -16 degrees C and scattered flurries. Should be interesting. I went out for a run yesterday (-13 degrees) and survived, so I think I'll survive Jan 1. I hope.

While I don't normally make New Year's resolutions (I think they're a load of shit, to be honest), this year I do have a few things in mind:

1) Keep running (if I can lose somewhere between 20 and 30 lbs in a year and 3 months just by running and not really changing my diet at all... win!).

2) Not stress about the whole "relationship" thing (easier said than done, really, but I'll give it a go).

3) Try new things. Be open to new opportunities. Before the end of 2010, I will be able to create a list of things I've never done before that I tried/did in 2010.

All the best to you and yours, and may 2010 bring you naught but happiness!

I did it!!!!

I ran the entire 5k! Even better - apparently the course is actually 6.something km, when you pace it out with your pedometer or fancy iPod gadgets. So I'm thrilled with myself.

Next goal may have to be a 10k run. I'm trying to see if there's a way to work a 10k run into fundraising for my choir's trip to Italy this summer... :)


This would be me and my fellow runners clutching at our bottles of water after crossing the finish line. Yay us!

I ended up raising a little more than $600, and I'm super proud - I didn't think I'd even make $100.

Y'all are awesome. And for those of you who were wondering if the dogs were there again this year... the answer is yes. I left them with their owner whilst I ran, though.

Wedding was yesterdy - it was a great time. Got to see some people I hadn't seen in a while and hang out with some others I see on a slightly more regular basis...

Totally forgot the wedding gift on my kitchen table and realized when I got to the reception location... but luckily the bride's sister lives in my building and agreed to let me drop it off at hers. Go figure.

Funny story - apparently the groom's brother had a pre-conceived notion that all the bride's friends were going to be nerdy academic types (ie: ugly). When the table I was sitting at (mostly the bride's single girl friends) got up to eat, apparently the question was "who are they?". "Bride's friends." "But they're not ugly!".

But perhaps the most amusing moment of the night came late into the evening. The bride and groom were headed out for the evening, so I decided to head out as well. As I was waiting for my cab, the bride's sister came up to me (we were standing outside the hotel with the smokers), chatting away, she mentioned that apparently the vote from the groom's entourage was that I was the "hot one".

Boost to the self-esteem in a sort of junior-high-esque way. :)

So I went to the Fringe on Friday night with a couple of friends that I hadn't seen in a while.

Props to the cast and crew of both LoveHateKill and Bashir Lazhar - go see them if you can!

But while we were munching on dinner before hand, I asked one, with whom I've been in very poor touch over the last couple of years, what she was up to these days.

"I'm getting married and having babies, just like everyone else" she deadpanned.

I bought it for the first five words, and was even trying to sneakily look at her ring finger, but then the babies bit came out and I knew she was totally kidding. Later in the evening, we decided that "buying a condo" should also be added into that generic phrase - either before or after getting married, depending on preference.

I went to a friend's bridal shower this p.m., so that little adage friend #1 shared at dinner on Friday was hitting a little closer to home.

That's not to say that I want to get married, buy a condo, and have babies. Rather the opposite, in fact (except maybe the buying a condo bit... but I need to either win the lottery or have some unknown, long-lost rich relative kick the bucket first). And fortunately I'm blessed with a family and friends that don't ask the awkward "so when are you going to meet a nice man and settle down" question at social gatherings. But with most of my friends at the very least meeting 1 of the criteria listed, if not two, or, in some cases all three (in various combinations - the most popular being the married and a condo/house... fortunately not too many having kids yet), I've noticed that couple-y language is the norm, and when you're one of the only people saying "I" in a room full of "we", you stand out a bit.

But I've whined about this before. Ah well. Like I said in the last post, I've gotten a bit more comfortable in my own skin. Unlike some previous posts, this isn't really a wish to find a significant other. This isn't a "oh, I wish I had what everyone else is having" post (especially not in regards to kids *shudder*).

It's just a short, quick lament for the days when "I" was the norm.




Ps - Bridal Shower was awesome. Low key, no pressure to play silly toilet paper games - and I even won a prize for best score on a "guess how old the bride is in these photos" game. Woot! I can't wait for the hen party next weekend and the wedding the weekend after. And since I know the bride reads this blog from time to time, yes, the love in the house was amazing - but you absolutely deserve it. You're amazing, and I can't tell you how much happiness I wish you.

So I got sick of the old template. I mean, it's been nearly four years... it was time for a change.

This coincides with a change in my job - I'll be staying in Edmonton, but shifting responsibilities within my organisation next week. I'm looking forward to it.

I was in Victoria and Vancouver a couple of weeks ago - totally forgot to take my camera, so had to buy a disposable, old-fashioned film camera. I can't wait to see how the photos turn out. I will certainly scan and post some when I get them back.

I'm also hoping that there's some good news on the old photo front. When I first when to England, I took my parents' digital camera. It was crap. I didn't like it. I especially didn't like it when the camera did something stupid and weird and deleted ALL my photos from my first three months living in England from off the camera. I was not impressed. And of course, I hadn't downloaded them to my computer. And then it did the same thing to my parents after they went to England. All their photos from that trip, gone. But now McBain is offering a service whereby they can try and retrieve old photos from your memory cards that seem to have been deleted. I'm hopeful that we may recover some of them at least! At $10, it's worth a shot ($35 if they manage to recover anything).

It's been a busy few weeks, as per usual. Work hasn't been too nuts, but other things are popping up. I have another friend getting married this summer - and in contrast to the previous wedding I attended, I'm actually quite looking forward to this one. I think it's 'cuz my self-confidence has been hugely bolstered over the last year. I've managed to handle a program under the scrutiny of the ADM, I've dropped 2-3 sizes, depending on which clothing company you talk to, and I've learned a lot about myself, and most of it for the better. I have a car now, which gives me so much more freedom, and I'm just feeling a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

I'm trying to decide whether or not to sing with RES again this year. They have a great program lined up, but given the financial and time commitments they're asking this year, combined with the fact that the friend I normally attended with is not returning, are making it a less appealing option. I'm looking into alternatives - Magnolia, I may be hitting you up for Musical Theatre ideas, depending on how things pan out.

For now, I offer you this - the view from my balcony during a recent rainfall:

30May09

On Monday, the boy and I had a conversation over MSN about how I might potentially be moving to Ottawa in the fall. He said something that really got to me. "I hope I'm not influencing your decision on this." I made some flippant reply about how that was a loaded statement, deftly avoiding the unasked question, and continued the conversation.

But it got me thinking.

He's super nice. The last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings. But you can't build a relationship on avoiding causing pain to others. We don't really talk any more. It's down to pleasantries like "how was your day?" "How's the weather?" and other such mundane things. When he said he was coming up this weekend, my first thought was not "oh, yay!" but rather just "oh". He's definitely more into the whole thing than I am. And as one of my friends said, when a guy spills his feelings to you and all you can think to say is "Thanks" and look for the door, there's definitely something wrong.

I'm not comfortable having him in my space any more. Whether it's my apartment or my personal space. I realize that most of the blame in this is probably mine, for not speaking up sooner when things were making me uncomfortable, for not pointing out that I thought things were moving too fast. But looking back (hindsight is always 20-20, right?) I realize that there were all sorts of things I should have done differently.

I should have realized that when we had the same conversation about tea back before we were dating, almost word-for-word, THREE separate times (yes, I even went back through my MSN message history in analyzing this relationship), that we would probably quickly run out of things to talk about. When we'd been dating for a whole month and he said that he "accidentally" referred to me as his girlfriend to coworkers, I should have told him that made me uncomfortable and that while I was flattered, I needed more time. I should have never let him take for granted that he could use my space here. I shouldn't have gone on a week's vacation with the guy after only seeing him for 5 months (my mother had half-jokingly told me that if we made it through the week, we might make it in the relationship - further proof that you should always listen to your mother, people!). When we had our first discussion about how I needed space, I should have just ended it there rather than trying to avoid hurting his feelings by telling him I didn't feel the same intensity of emotion for him as he did for me.

So, it was with all these things in mind that I broke up with him today. I think I made the decision on Tuesday, and the rest of the week, waiting for him to be here so I could do it in person rather than being a 21st century idiot and doing it over the phone or by MSN (god forbid).

He's taken it well - well, as well as can be expected. He said it wasn't unexpected, which is good, I guess - better that he had some preparation rather than simply throwing a bucket of ice water on him. I avoided using most of the cheesy breakup lines (although I did basically give him the it's-not-you-its-me reason, which is true - he's a great guy and I wish him all the best), and it ended with him asking if I'd still talk to him, so I'm hopeful that there may be a friendship salvageable there. Only time will tell. He asked if I had any regrets - and the answer is yes, but only because I didn't speak up sooner and let it drag out this long. I don't regret any of the time that I spent with him. We did, after all, have a great time...

In short, I'm feeling kinda shitty and like a horrible person because I've hurt him, but mostly good. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can get on with my life.

In other disturbing news, my dad's skin cancer is back. They removed a huge chunk of his face a while back, but looks like they got it all. Prayers/thoughts/vibes/whatever would be greatly appreciated.

And work is stupid busy again, but I get a two-week "vacation" as I attend two training sessions - one in E-Town this week and one in Saskatoon next week.

In other news, our choir had its final conert of the season last night - it went beautifully, I think. For more info on the program you can check out the associate director's blog at Podium Speak (see his May 29 post). John had taken over the main conducting duties this year as the usual director was on sabattical. I was especially excited about the Sirett piece, as Dr. Sirett was my first ever choir director nearly 20 years ago (oh, dear god, I feel old all of a sudden - it really doesn't seem that long ago that I was a little chorister at St. George's...). The Bruckner went off wonderfully (as he seems to have written in an update today), which was the most worrisome bit...

If I do end up moving to Ottawa, I think it'll be one of the things I miss most. Although having said that, my Dad recently made a comment about how he wondered if I actually enjoyed the choir, since most of the people in it are twice my age. He's right, and I think if I stay in E-Town I might find another choir to work with - the great thing about RES, though, is that it's a huge choir and you get to do all sorts of works that require the power and volume you simply can't get from a smaller choir. I don't know if I could do it if the John's wife (who used to be my boss and who I'm now happy to call a friend) wasn't in the choir as well. I have to re-audition for the choir on Thursday this coming week, and will make it known to the usual director that I may be moving in the fall, but we'll see how it goes - even if I don't move, I don't know if I'll stay with the choir and may look for other things, especially if John's wife leaves, which she's thinking about doing. But as I said to John last night, this year has been a slice, and I've greatly enjoyed it, in spite of moments of frustration (mostly with other choir members and their lack of respect/tact... but that's another blog post for later).

I'll be off to dinner with a friend this evening, and possibly out for another friend's birthday afterwards... Looking forward to it! In spite of the slight low of today, things are looking greatly up.

24May2009

Having been at work pretty much non-stop for the last 5 months, and having to deal with entertaining the boy in between has meant that I've neglected a few friendships.

Fortunately I have two best friends that understand that even if I don't spend time with them all that often (literally months have passed in some cases), I still appreciate them and like them.

So Friday night it was down to a friend's place (I drove the new car! I'm still loving that I can do that!) for snack and chatting and such, then yesterday over to another friend's place for a run, food, and general games-y goodness.

The run was great - first time I've run outdoors in an extremely long time, and I'm thrilled with my fitness level. It would have killed me if I'd attempted it a year ago, but now I was able to keep up with my friend. I am, however, feeling the impact in my bones today - which is the one disadvantage to running on pavement rather than on a treadmill. Still, I think I shall have to do it more often as the summer progresses. :)