Pity party time. I apologize that this is going to be slightly depressing and self-centred. But I need to vent and this is probably the best place to do it.
I've been battling depression for years now. When I think back on my life, it probably started when I was a teenager. I mean, I went for blood tests and everything 'cuz they thought my lack of energy and lethargy was probably mono or something thyroid-y. Nope. So the summer after my 2nd year of uni I had a pretty major breakdown and finally sought help. Been on anti-depressants since. Well, until Christmas. Doctor recommended I wean myself off. So I did.
I've been lethargic and bored and down over the last week or so (dying my hair was also partly an attempt to cheer myself up) and so now I'm wondering if it's coming back. To quote a friend: "Did I like relying on the meds? Hell no. Did I like being able to function? Hell yes." It's a balancing game. And I'm worried I'm out of balance again.
There's no real structure in my life right now. No classes... two papers to work on, but that's on my own time... And it's just going to get worse, I think - I had my last class EVER on Thursday. (Well, except for Latin... but I'm not taking that for credit...). I don't feel like I'm really working toward anything. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle said once that a deadline has a wonderful way of concentrating the mind... maybe if I was rushed off my feet I'd have less time to be lonely and bored and that would help me feel better.
Yeah, that's probably it, actually. I'm bored. I can't just call people up for coffee here. Only one of my classmates lives on campus, and while I really do enjoy her company, anything I say to her will be known by the REST of my classmates within the week. Since term is technically over people are going home to see their families and I'll be alone in York more or less. I tried to find an aerobics class or yoga or something to keep myself occupied, but since all the undergrads are on vacation, there's nothing on campus. There are probably some things around town, but not having a car (or the $6 CDN to spend on bus fare for each trip) there's nothing really. I can't even watch shit late-night TV 'cuz I don't have a TV. And Season 6 of the Simpsons will only keep me occupied for so long. Even if I watch all the episodes. Then all the episodes with commentary. There are only so many hours a person can waste with one season of a show.
I _am_ excited about going to Ireland. But it's not, like, itchy with excitement excited. It's more just a laid-back "cool..." sort of excitement. Does this mean I'm not taking joy in things again?
I'm feeling a little unloveable at the moment as well. There was a poll on the CTV news website a few days ago asking Canadians "If you aren't getting enough sex, why?", and the #1 answer was "No one's offering". So at least I'm not alone. Hell, I don't even necessarily want the sex. Companionship would be nice, to be honest. I'm 24 (ok, nearly) and still haven't had what I'd call a significant relationship. People I know that are my age are getting married and having children. Not that I want children. *Shudders at the thought of children*. Sorry. This blog is turning into a rant about my lack of love life. I'd say 90% of the time I'm totally cool with being single, but for some reason lately. I guess it's a spring thing.
On top of unloveable I'm feeling a little unsuccessful. I'm sort of disturbed that I haven't heard from the government about any of my job applications, too - I passed the tests... it would be nice if I got an interview or something. But nothing yet. Which reminds me that their website should be back up, and I can submit my covering letter and apply for another job (joy!). I mean, it's the government, and they're probably not going to work particularly quickly, but it's been more than a month since I wrote those damn tests. I'm either over or under-qualified for most museum jobs out there in the private sector. I don't want to continue in academia at this point in time...
My year here is pretty much half over. I'm not sure how to react to that. I'm getting to meet new people, experience new things... I guess since I don't really have a home returning to Canada isn't going to solve all my problems and make me feel comfy and routine again...
*sigh*
I've been battling depression for years now. When I think back on my life, it probably started when I was a teenager. I mean, I went for blood tests and everything 'cuz they thought my lack of energy and lethargy was probably mono or something thyroid-y. Nope. So the summer after my 2nd year of uni I had a pretty major breakdown and finally sought help. Been on anti-depressants since. Well, until Christmas. Doctor recommended I wean myself off. So I did.
I've been lethargic and bored and down over the last week or so (dying my hair was also partly an attempt to cheer myself up) and so now I'm wondering if it's coming back. To quote a friend: "Did I like relying on the meds? Hell no. Did I like being able to function? Hell yes." It's a balancing game. And I'm worried I'm out of balance again.
There's no real structure in my life right now. No classes... two papers to work on, but that's on my own time... And it's just going to get worse, I think - I had my last class EVER on Thursday. (Well, except for Latin... but I'm not taking that for credit...). I don't feel like I'm really working toward anything. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle said once that a deadline has a wonderful way of concentrating the mind... maybe if I was rushed off my feet I'd have less time to be lonely and bored and that would help me feel better.
Yeah, that's probably it, actually. I'm bored. I can't just call people up for coffee here. Only one of my classmates lives on campus, and while I really do enjoy her company, anything I say to her will be known by the REST of my classmates within the week. Since term is technically over people are going home to see their families and I'll be alone in York more or less. I tried to find an aerobics class or yoga or something to keep myself occupied, but since all the undergrads are on vacation, there's nothing on campus. There are probably some things around town, but not having a car (or the $6 CDN to spend on bus fare for each trip) there's nothing really. I can't even watch shit late-night TV 'cuz I don't have a TV. And Season 6 of the Simpsons will only keep me occupied for so long. Even if I watch all the episodes. Then all the episodes with commentary. There are only so many hours a person can waste with one season of a show.
I _am_ excited about going to Ireland. But it's not, like, itchy with excitement excited. It's more just a laid-back "cool..." sort of excitement. Does this mean I'm not taking joy in things again?
I'm feeling a little unloveable at the moment as well. There was a poll on the CTV news website a few days ago asking Canadians "If you aren't getting enough sex, why?", and the #1 answer was "No one's offering". So at least I'm not alone. Hell, I don't even necessarily want the sex. Companionship would be nice, to be honest. I'm 24 (ok, nearly) and still haven't had what I'd call a significant relationship. People I know that are my age are getting married and having children. Not that I want children. *Shudders at the thought of children*. Sorry. This blog is turning into a rant about my lack of love life. I'd say 90% of the time I'm totally cool with being single, but for some reason lately. I guess it's a spring thing.
On top of unloveable I'm feeling a little unsuccessful. I'm sort of disturbed that I haven't heard from the government about any of my job applications, too - I passed the tests... it would be nice if I got an interview or something. But nothing yet. Which reminds me that their website should be back up, and I can submit my covering letter and apply for another job (joy!). I mean, it's the government, and they're probably not going to work particularly quickly, but it's been more than a month since I wrote those damn tests. I'm either over or under-qualified for most museum jobs out there in the private sector. I don't want to continue in academia at this point in time...
My year here is pretty much half over. I'm not sure how to react to that. I'm getting to meet new people, experience new things... I guess since I don't really have a home returning to Canada isn't going to solve all my problems and make me feel comfy and routine again...
*sigh*
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ggOh Dear. A good thing to try is occupying your mind. While you wait on the government jobs, try volunteering at a library or with the YMCA. Set small goals for yourself (say, watching all James Bond Movies) or create tiny projects, like finding the oldest grave in each cemetary. As spring approaches, you may be able to join a gardening committee and get your hands dirty. What ever you do, try and spend little time in your dorm room, and go to bed each night positively exhausted. Boredom is never good for the constitution of the mind. And please remember you have a good deal of folks here who care a great deal for you. It probably doesn't feel that way right now, but you are missed.
*hugs*
not that this will help much, but from the start of testing to when i started the job with the feds was almost seven months, and that's often common whether it's provincial or federal departments...sorry...
sarah is right, we think about and miss you very much... even though we are separated from you by a whole ocean, we are there for you.
the fact that you are able to express, write out, think about your feelings is a good thing ... i always say write out your sorrow, write out your joy.
and i know you will seek help (in whatever form) if you need it. that is the most important thing you can ever do.
sending hugs.
Big hugs to you, Kate.
I don't know whether this will cheer you up, but I'm nearly 30 *gulp* and haven't had a meaningful relationship yet either, probably because most of the guys I've dated so far got on my nerves after a month at the latest (really, I don't need anybody who's only ever talking about money, tells me I wouldn't need to write romances if only I went to bed with him -- right, sweetie, because I'd be so busy drawing a fricking MAP for you! argh! --, treats me like a girl of five, or tries to teach me English -- this would have been sort of sweet if he had been a native speaker. It was majorly annoying, though, because he wasn't a native speaker). And to speak of further relationship disasters: a friend of mine had been together with her boyfriend for almost 10 years and apparently had never had an orgasm (a few years ago she gave this great speech to me about how sex really isn't that important in a relationship and is totally overrated anyway).
Re: Ireland and cheering up: when I was in Galway, they sold Enteman' cake in the big supermarkets. And Enteman's cake tastes just divine!