Sorry for my relative silence lately. I spent Saturday evening nursing a massive headache... and continued nursing it through Sunday - I seem to have experienced some of those 'rare' side effects of either my flu vaccine or my MMR shot. Go figure.
This isn't going to be a cheery post, so feel free to stop reading and go find something more uplifting should you wish.
In the intervening time since my last post, I have discovered that I am, in fact, not alone in my sense of sadness, disillusionment, lack of direction, and uncertainty. I wrote below about what happened when I was talking with my buddy M. But yesterday in a chat with one of my classmates over coffee when we should have been talking about a presentation we were supposed to be giving today, I discovered that I'm not the only one who has no real direction in my life, and I'm not the only one that feels, in spite of the fact that I'm smart and have finished two university degrees, that I haven't accomplished anything worth note.
THOUSANDS of people get university degrees each year. I was listing off my talents mentally the other day and realized I haven't got anything that thousands of people out there can't do better. I'm enjoying my time at school, enjoying my time abroad - I wouldn't trade it. But by the same token, I don't think I'm going to accomplish anything productive. All sorts of other people out there get MAs in History every single year. I'm banking on the fact that baby boomers are all going to have to retire at some point in the near future. But what if that isn't the case? Am I going to be stuck doing a job that has nothing to do with what I've spent the last 6 years of my life studying? Am I going to be stuck hating whatever it is I end up doing, but have no other option? Will I end up doing a PhD and getting a great history job, and yet become completely disillusioned with it? Will my dream end up being nothing like I expected, and completely shitty?
There was a mylar balloon floating in the lake today in the shape of Nemo and his Dad... slightly deflated, just floating there, both of them with these massive grins on their faces, adrift, lost in the lake. I'm battling with this feeling of being adrift, this uncertainty, and to paraphrase the magic 8-ball, outlook is grim.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I have several hundred pages of witchcraft trials to read...
This isn't going to be a cheery post, so feel free to stop reading and go find something more uplifting should you wish.
In the intervening time since my last post, I have discovered that I am, in fact, not alone in my sense of sadness, disillusionment, lack of direction, and uncertainty. I wrote below about what happened when I was talking with my buddy M. But yesterday in a chat with one of my classmates over coffee when we should have been talking about a presentation we were supposed to be giving today, I discovered that I'm not the only one who has no real direction in my life, and I'm not the only one that feels, in spite of the fact that I'm smart and have finished two university degrees, that I haven't accomplished anything worth note.
THOUSANDS of people get university degrees each year. I was listing off my talents mentally the other day and realized I haven't got anything that thousands of people out there can't do better. I'm enjoying my time at school, enjoying my time abroad - I wouldn't trade it. But by the same token, I don't think I'm going to accomplish anything productive. All sorts of other people out there get MAs in History every single year. I'm banking on the fact that baby boomers are all going to have to retire at some point in the near future. But what if that isn't the case? Am I going to be stuck doing a job that has nothing to do with what I've spent the last 6 years of my life studying? Am I going to be stuck hating whatever it is I end up doing, but have no other option? Will I end up doing a PhD and getting a great history job, and yet become completely disillusioned with it? Will my dream end up being nothing like I expected, and completely shitty?
There was a mylar balloon floating in the lake today in the shape of Nemo and his Dad... slightly deflated, just floating there, both of them with these massive grins on their faces, adrift, lost in the lake. I'm battling with this feeling of being adrift, this uncertainty, and to paraphrase the magic 8-ball, outlook is grim.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I have several hundred pages of witchcraft trials to read...
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I usually only take the time to leave some comment if I think I have something cute to say, but honestly, I was really struck with what you said because that largely seems to be the problem that I have experienced lateley. It drives me nuts because I have a teaching degree and have been doing that for two years, and I still largely feel like I have accomplished nothing. Even though I am "living out my dream" by teaching, I still feel like I'm missing something. I feel like I have special moments that are sprinkled on top of tons and tons of unimportant moments. You are right, you are not alone.
hey again
join the club, we've got t-shirts.
as you well know of course.
i guess what the poster above said is spot on. it's all about the special moments.
D&C