I just got off MSN after having a chat with an old buddy. Not that I've ever met him - he lived in New Zealand and we just chatted on and off through high school and (rather less) university. But last time we talked before this evening I was still in my apartment... so it has to have been damn near 2 years ago, I think. Somehow in those two years he's managed to move to Australia, spend a crapload of time in England, and has had a kid.

After absorbing my initial shock that M could possibly have a child, it made me start to wonder what the hell I'm missing. NO, I haven't suddenly done a complete about face and felt my biological clock start ticking away and decided I need to find the father of my child(ren) this very instant. Far from it. I still don't want kids (although the pic that M had up of his was really cute). Instead, I found myself wondering how everyone else has managed to grow up around me and I've somehow managed to miss it. At first it wasn't too bad - the only person I knew who was engaged was mormon, and let's face it, they have a tendency to get married early. But then this summer there was a massive explosion of engagements... S, E, A... and they're talking about having kids and they seem to have an actual plan.

I guess that was what threw me off so much. M has followed his dream. He wanted (as long as I've known him) to be a pilot. He's now in Australia flying a 19-seater in and out of the western countryside. He has a kid. It seems so very put together and... adult. I started bawling - fairly irrationally, I suppose, but still... It's been such a long time since I talked to the guy, and we used to talk on a fairly regular basis - I guess I was kinda mourning the loss of that, as well.

So I had to ask him whether or not he felt like an adult. He said no, which is reassuring... but somehow I feel like I'm missing a plan - a concrete destination, something I can work towards and fulfill. I was never one of those kids that always dreamed of being a doctor or a lawyer or a pilot or a policeman and KNEW what my dream was and could follow it... I'm still hazy on that front. I can't even imagine myself a year from now. I can't picture what I want to do or what I want to accomplish. I'm doing all these things (school, for example) to give myself something to do, and while I'm enjoying them, I have no idea what the eventual goal should be and I'm really missing that eventual goal tonight. A lot.

Or maybe I just haven't been getting enough sun.