before having a complete and utter homesickness breakdown.
I mean, last time it was only 2.5. I'm getting better. But last time I got to go home soon (thank God for Christmas), and this time I still have another 3.5 months to stick it out.
This always happens. I get busy, I forget about all my troubles, and then the busy-ness ends and I'm left with my dull, shitty life again.
So, I again present you (sorry, I know this is repetitive, but it helps me to work out exactly what my problems are and try to figure out how to deal with them) with a point-form list of the shit that is my life at the moment.
I mean, last time it was only 2.5. I'm getting better. But last time I got to go home soon (thank God for Christmas), and this time I still have another 3.5 months to stick it out.
This always happens. I get busy, I forget about all my troubles, and then the busy-ness ends and I'm left with my dull, shitty life again.
So, I again present you (sorry, I know this is repetitive, but it helps me to work out exactly what my problems are and try to figure out how to deal with them) with a point-form list of the shit that is my life at the moment.
- I figured out that it wasn't the brown-eyed boy that I really cared about - it was more the idea of having someone as a partner/interest and he was the only available person. That, unfortunately does not make me feel any less desire to have someone in life to rely on, talk to, lean on, hug, kiss, etc. And I'm not seeing any chance of that in the near future (although if England had won yesterday I probably would have hugged the cute boy in the pub next to me and blamed it on the 'alcohol'). So, yes, I'm jealous of his new relationship, but not because he's taken, if that makes any sense whatsoever...
- Paris was a great distraction. It was over too quickly.
- Football was a great distraction. It allowed me to think of something other than my dissertation for a few hours each day. It was over too quickly. I got caught up in it and really am quite heartbroken, both myself and for the English nation, that England didn't get any further. I am heartbroken that Brazil didn't make it as well. Shocked, and heartbroken.
- Having T up for the weekend was absolutely fabulous. We got to chat about the ideosyncracies of the English, compare notes... unfortunately it also reminded me of what I'm missing back home, and now that she's gone, I'm dwelling on it.
- I'm worried about my dissertation. I've got 6500 words done, but still need to come up with 13500 more in the next month. I don't know if I can do it. I really don't. I'm scared.
I do know that you are all thinking of me and wishing me the best and are proud of me. I appreciate it. I really do. And I wish there was more I could do to show it. Know that I'm thinking of all of you and your troubles as well. I apologize for being incommunicado this week, but for the first time in a while I've been busy and not able to check blogs every 5 minutes, and I'm sorry that I've not commented and that I've not given you all the attention you deserve. I'm sorry that I'm not stronger and that you have to listen to my problems when I know you have problems as well that deserve a shoulder to lean on.
I'm sorry.
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Don't apologize for 'not being there', m'dear. As selfish as I can be, I realise that sometime you need to be selfish too (and deserve to be selfish).
And today, someone muttered "gee, I miss Kate", and we realised that when we lost a ton of staff this year, we lost a wealth of knowledge that we took for granted, including your own.
So, we're thinking of you.
I kick the homesickness monster! In the shins!
KICK!
*hugs*
Take a deep breath, look in the mirror and ask yourself what you want to achieve in the next month. Then ask yourself what you need to do it. If all you do in the next month is your dissertation, so be it. It will be finished, and then you can move on. Sounds like you have more than enough to fill your mind with whilst you get over the homesickness bug.
overseas hug.
i am so proud of you for going out into the world and following your dreams . . .
b.
I just want you to know because of you, I know something. I have been working to make you proud and here's what I figured out-on my own-without reading your blog first-that France beat Brazil and that's a really big deal, and that Portugal beat England and that made David Beckham sad. You taught a debater how to watch football, now could a dissertation be much harder than that?
In all seriousness though, I am also far from home and I think that the advice vegas gave was best. My mother used to always tell me that the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time, and you've got an elephant to eat. Don't swallow it all at once, just one step at a time. Feel better and sending my well wishes!
1. NEVER NEVER NEVER apologize for feeling sad. You are not made of stone... and that's okay.
2. I've heard stories of British cuisine, and if you need some ketchup or mayo or any other condiment, let me know. The post office and I are like *that*.
3. There was a time when you flipped out over having to write a paper that was 5000 words. And now you're at a place where you can throw back your head and scoff at those who worry about that goal because you've moved from playing football in the alley to football in the stadium. Girl, this dissertation is your World Cup... and I know that England will bring it home.
I'm just reading this entry for the first time now. Oh dear. You did look quite sad when you left me at the station. I'm sorry for my part in unwittingly precipitating a bout of homesickness. :( But I agree in your assessment of our weekend as 'absolutely fabulous.'