So... I did something stupid. I decided to Google "high thyroid antibodies".

Never ever search Google for medical information.

It has officially scared the shit out of me, as it seems that in many cases, the immune system just ATTACKS the thyroid, completely destroying it as time progresses. Not a particularly uplifting diagnosis.

The doctor I saw the other day wasn't my usual doctor, and in all honesty, she had to google the test I was administered before she could explain the results to me as well, so that didn't exactly fill me with confidence. I may go back to the usual doctor next week just for a checkup. I feel a bit like I'm wasting their time, and I realize that doctors can't be human encyclopedias, but nonetheless...

So I went for a two-week followup on the puffy face issue.

It looks like I have elevated thyroid antibodies. Which basically means nothing. Except that I'm more susceptible to conditions like hypothyroidism and Hashimoto's thyroiditis. So I basically have to keep watching for depression issues, weight gain that can't really be explained... But in the meantime there's nothing to be done.

It had to happen, really. The internet is so small that it was really only a matter of time until someone from England started reading my blog on a semi-regular basis, and checked into my archives.

She knows who she is, and she knows what she read, and she didn't like it. I can only say that it was written in a period of extreme frustration, stress, and pressure. Nonetheless, I don't apologize for writing it.

I do, however, apologize for publishing it. The offending bits have been deleted.

I do apologize for leaving it up on the internet well after the periods of frustration, stress, and pressure had passed. It was a time when I took a break from her - and I did let her know the reasons for not communicating with her for about a week, although she was living only a few doors away.

I do apologize for not deleting it the instant I became aware that she WAS reading my blog.

Above all, I apologize that it hurt her feelings. That was the last thing I intended. I had written it in this blog (which no one in England knew about) precisely so that I would not blow up at HER, or someone she knew, and precisely so that I would NOT hurt her feelings. In the end this has backfired, and what I was attempting to avoid has happened on a much grander scale.

I'm sorry.

I figured it out.

Why I don't like actually telling people what it is that I do, I mean.

I'm not proud of it.

Granted, I'm not ashamed either, but I sort of figure somehow that with three degrees I might be able to do a little better?

*sigh*

So, I'm feeling better. Still tired, but at least my face is my own. Yay!

Having gotten that out of the way - I am attending the wedding of a co-worker today. I have known her not even six months. I don't know her family, and aside from my fellow co-workers, I don't know her friends. I mean, I'm very happy for her - she's a lovely person, and her fiancé's really quite nice as well - but I'm never a big fan of the whole wedding reception shmooze thing. The ceremony, I can handle. You all just sit there, it's pretty anonymous who's in the crowd, you don't need to talk, just follow the program...

But the reception...

I'm not a particularly social person, I don't just randomly introduce myself to strangers very often... so I will have a grand total of 4 people to talk to at the reception (which is actually an improvement over the last time I went to a wedding) - not counting the bride and groom. Let's face it, at any reception the bride and groom are a write-off for any sort of conversation lasting longer than

"beautiful wedding"

"thanks, and how are you?"

"quite well, really... you're holding up all right? Shoes still not hurting"

"no, they're fi... oh, sorry, there's uncle Sylvester, I really must go say hi..."

*sigh* And it's a LOT colder than I thought it would be today. It apparently feels like -2 degrees with the wind out there. So much for those black strappy sandals I bought. Hopefully it will have warmed up to the 16 they're calling for by this afternoon. And three guesses where my long, black, formal-ish wool coat is... Oh, that's right, at the cleaner's. Sonofa.

Ok. Kate. Step back, take a look at this. You are going. You are sharing in your friend's happiness. Quite bitching about your own potential misery, and start focusing on her undoubted happiness. Be happy for her (and I am, really I am).

And if worse comes to worse, and I'm finding the socializing totally unbearable, I can leave early. I am still slightly under the weather after all, and I do have to get up for work in the morning.

So...

I woke up on Saturday morning at 5:30, with pain in my jaw. I went and looked in the mirror. There was a strange face looking back.

Whatever is going on with my lymph nodes (be it bacteria, be it viruses) has caused my face and neck to swell to about twice their normal size, and there's no sign of it abating as of yet. I'm on antibiotics, just in case, but odds are it's viral. I've seen two doctors, and both seem to agree that this should just go away on its own... in 5-10 days.

Throw a little thyroiditis into the mix, and you have me the way I am right now (the blood work has come back negative for anything more seriously wrong with my thyroid).

Oddly enough, I was mostly symptom free otherwise, until today. The aches and pains of flu and viral infection have set in, combined with the desire to sleep for pretty much most of the day.

At this point, though, it's vanity that's kicking me in the ass more than anything else. I feel like a freak. I have the face of someone at least 50 pounds heavier than myself. I'm scared. I looked in the mirror and the face that looked back wasn't my own.

I'll put up with the aches. I'll put up with the chills. I'll put up with snot, with vomiting...

At this point I just want my face back.

In an effort to find a better-paying, more permanent job, I've been checking out the U's website on a fairly regular basis. But one slipped by me and wouldn't have been brought to my attention were it not for a friend who emailed it to me.

Rare Book and Map Cataloguer at the special collections library.

Ooh! Ooh!

They really seem to want someone with an MLIS, but I'm hopeful because of the rest of the posting... "Qualifications include a Master's degree in Library Science from an accredited library school; an academic background and/or library experience in the humanities (especially history) in addition to interest in cataloguing, analything/descriptive bibliography, research methods and the ability to catalogue materials in the major western languages; a strong service orientation; superior instructional, communication, and writing skills; excellent information management skills; a commitment to collegiality and seeking cooperative solutions. An additional, advanced degree in a related field is also desireable."

So I'm not quite totally there, but I think I have a good 1/2 the qualifications.

Wish me luck.