Ladies and gentlemen - approximately two years ago, the World Cup was on (see June 2006 in the archives for more on the ups and downs of watching the football and just how much that interfered with my schooling...). At that time, I wrote a guide for people who aren't bit football fans but who decide that since everyone else is doing it, they're going to watch the games too...
This time around, for Euro 2008, I fortunately have my own TV and am not, for the most part, subjected to this. Having said that, I felt it was time for a bit of a recap, with additions from friends and fellow bloggers after my post...
I. Thou shalt not invite thyself to the football, then spend the entire game whining that thou art bored. You chose to watch it. Suck it up.
II. Thou shalt not interrupt me when I'm texting my friends that _DO_ care about the football and with whom I can actually discuss the unfairness of the foul committed on/by player X and other such important matters.
III. Thou shalt not accuse the players of being shit when thou dost not fully understand the game. That privilege shall be reserved for those of us who know and understand the offside rule and what constitutes a foul and other 'obscure' trivia.
IV. Thou shalt not whine when thy favourite player gets subbed off - especially if he's only your favourite because you think he's hot.
V. Thou shalt listen to me denigrate a player one instant, then laud him to the skies the next without commenting on my lack of steadfastness.
VI. Thou shalt not interrupt me to discuss players' appearances. At least not when the ball is anywhere near a net. During stoppages in play, however, this is acceptable (hey, I'm a straight female, what do you want from me?).
VII. Thou shalt not tell me that the team that won did not deserve to win. Granted, they might have played like crap for MOST of the game, but in the end, they DID manage to score those goals. Although there has been the odd exception to this rule (such as the England-Paraguay game in the 2006 Cup).
VIII. Thou art allowed to ask questions regarding the workings of the game - the rules, why X got a free kick, etc. If, however, you have to ask the same question more than twice in a game, I reserve the right to stop answering and perhaps even make wicked fun of you for your lack of comprehension.
IX. Thou shalt not call the celebrations of all the others watching the game "silly". Maybe you feel no national pride, but I'm betting a lot of others in the room damn well do. This especially applies when you are talking about MY reaction, which was quite minimal when compared to others. You are, however, allowed to point out my potty mouth, as I'm well aware that over the course of the 90 minutes my language goes straight into the toilet and am endeavouring to remedy that problem.
X. Thou shalt not say the players are "doing nothing". I'd like to see you out there for 90 minutes, keeping the ball mostly in your opponent's end. If you must use this statement, please qualify (ie: "They're doing nothing! Their defense is totally missing!" or... "There's absolutely no offense out there!" or... "they're so not covering player X"). The players are NOT inactive.
XI. Thou shalt not whinge about the dramatics of the sport. Yes, all football players take a drama course called "Faking injuries 101" in order to make fouls look particularly deadly and convincing. It's part of the game. It just is. Deal with it.
XII. thou shalt not cry "kick it" or "hit it" at any point during the game. this merely shatters the illusion that thou hast any idea of what is going on whatsoever and reveals thou to be'est a charlatan of the highest echelons. (Contributed by Dr. D&C of http://thelostdoctor.blogspot.com/)
XIII. Thou shalt not take note of the fact that I yell at the ref. for giving too many fouls when he yellow cards my team, and then yell at the ref. for not giving enough fouls when he fails to yellow card the other team. (Contributed by Llewellyn of http://stillfalling.blogspot.com/)
XIV. Thou shalt not whinge and whine about the fact that a certain player has not been put on the field when we have already made three subs and said player isn't on the bench!!! (Contributed by my friend Bids)
XV. Thou shalt not say after watching Team X go down whille wearing your Team X shirt "oh....well ....usually i cheer for Team Y". Show some consistency. (Contributed by Bids)
XVI. Thou wilt be given a red card for breaking any of the solemn commandments. (Contributed by Genderist of http://haikuoftheid.blogspot.com/)
This time around, for Euro 2008, I fortunately have my own TV and am not, for the most part, subjected to this. Having said that, I felt it was time for a bit of a recap, with additions from friends and fellow bloggers after my post...
I. Thou shalt not invite thyself to the football, then spend the entire game whining that thou art bored. You chose to watch it. Suck it up.
II. Thou shalt not interrupt me when I'm texting my friends that _DO_ care about the football and with whom I can actually discuss the unfairness of the foul committed on/by player X and other such important matters.
III. Thou shalt not accuse the players of being shit when thou dost not fully understand the game. That privilege shall be reserved for those of us who know and understand the offside rule and what constitutes a foul and other 'obscure' trivia.
IV. Thou shalt not whine when thy favourite player gets subbed off - especially if he's only your favourite because you think he's hot.
V. Thou shalt listen to me denigrate a player one instant, then laud him to the skies the next without commenting on my lack of steadfastness.
VI. Thou shalt not interrupt me to discuss players' appearances. At least not when the ball is anywhere near a net. During stoppages in play, however, this is acceptable (hey, I'm a straight female, what do you want from me?).
VII. Thou shalt not tell me that the team that won did not deserve to win. Granted, they might have played like crap for MOST of the game, but in the end, they DID manage to score those goals. Although there has been the odd exception to this rule (such as the England-Paraguay game in the 2006 Cup).
VIII. Thou art allowed to ask questions regarding the workings of the game - the rules, why X got a free kick, etc. If, however, you have to ask the same question more than twice in a game, I reserve the right to stop answering and perhaps even make wicked fun of you for your lack of comprehension.
IX. Thou shalt not call the celebrations of all the others watching the game "silly". Maybe you feel no national pride, but I'm betting a lot of others in the room damn well do. This especially applies when you are talking about MY reaction, which was quite minimal when compared to others. You are, however, allowed to point out my potty mouth, as I'm well aware that over the course of the 90 minutes my language goes straight into the toilet and am endeavouring to remedy that problem.
X. Thou shalt not say the players are "doing nothing". I'd like to see you out there for 90 minutes, keeping the ball mostly in your opponent's end. If you must use this statement, please qualify (ie: "They're doing nothing! Their defense is totally missing!" or... "There's absolutely no offense out there!" or... "they're so not covering player X"). The players are NOT inactive.
XI. Thou shalt not whinge about the dramatics of the sport. Yes, all football players take a drama course called "Faking injuries 101" in order to make fouls look particularly deadly and convincing. It's part of the game. It just is. Deal with it.
XII. thou shalt not cry "kick it" or "hit it" at any point during the game. this merely shatters the illusion that thou hast any idea of what is going on whatsoever and reveals thou to be'est a charlatan of the highest echelons. (Contributed by Dr. D&C of http://thelostdoctor.blogspot.com/)
XIII. Thou shalt not take note of the fact that I yell at the ref. for giving too many fouls when he yellow cards my team, and then yell at the ref. for not giving enough fouls when he fails to yellow card the other team. (Contributed by Llewellyn of http://stillfalling.blogspot.com/)
XIV. Thou shalt not whinge and whine about the fact that a certain player has not been put on the field when we have already made three subs and said player isn't on the bench!!! (Contributed by my friend Bids)
XV. Thou shalt not say after watching Team X go down whille wearing your Team X shirt "oh....well ....usually i cheer for Team Y". Show some consistency. (Contributed by Bids)
XVI. Thou wilt be given a red card for breaking any of the solemn commandments. (Contributed by Genderist of http://haikuoftheid.blogspot.com/)
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