Prelude: A piece of music meant as the introduction to another piece of music. Usually is relatively simple in terms of its harmonic complexity, with one main melodic voice.

Fugue: A piece of music whereby the same melody is repeated in different "voices" in various stages. Each 'voice' takes prominence at various points in the piece, singing out a recurring melodic theme while harmonic lines fill in and fill out the remaining lines of music...

It's been a busy day... things are finally picking up at work, which is nice - meant I didn't have time to check peoples' blogs 60 zillion times today, which maybe put me into a bit of withdrawal, but nonetheless, I survived. My mother's away in Calgary, so it's just me and dad at home... and maybe because neither of us ever really speaks,

I've had a lot of time to think recently

and I've realized I don't know how much longer I could have lasted. The cold, combined with the 16 hours of darkness each day, the sedentary desk job, and the fact that my mental health isn't the snappiest to begin with have plummeted me into this weird sort of funk that I can't seem to snap. The energy's gone, and I can't even seem to bother with the things that I do on a regular basis, so

I've had a lot of time to think recently

and so tonight I tried to sit down at the piano and prevent the complete and utter loss of my faculties in that particular discipline. It's incredible to know that I can make a bunch of strings and hammers sound like that, but tonight, it just wasn't working. My fingers stumbled instead of skipping, the rhythm just wasn't there, and Bach brough me to tears instead of a sense of self-satisfaction. No matter how hard I tried, things just didn't seem to go my way. I couldn't make it work. That certainly didn't help my mental status, that lack of success. It makes me feel like a failure, and when I feel that way, things around me slow down, so

I've had a lot of time to think recently

about moving out and getting my own place, which brings me to the potentially exciting news I got today. I got a phone call from the folks who run a building near Grandin LRT station. $770/month could get me a one-bedroom with Grandin LRT station on my doorstep, exercise room... not much more than I was paying for my last place with a few more amenities. I can handle that. I'm third on the list though, so hopefully the other two won't want it. If they want it, then I'm shit out of luck. I'm hoping to get to see in on Friday, but sort of want to have someone there to hold my hand but until then I just get to sit at home, which means

I've had a lot of time to think recently

about the books/library materials conservation course. I have an appointment with the Special Collections librarian at the uni tomorrow. I emailed her the other day to ask if she might be able to help with career advice. She might know if there's a conservator on campus, or where I could go to see about financial aid to attend the program I'd like to attend. I get so excited whenever I look at the program syllabus and prospectus, but then reality hits and I realized that I don't have enough money to go back to England at any point in the near future, so I sit at my boring desk job, nothing to do

I've had a lot of time to think recently

about everything that went on during my year in England, and strangely enough, feel a little homesick for the whole thing. I ranted about it while I was there, I raved about it, but there were so many good little thing that just added up and in the end most of my memories were good ones...

I think.

and I joined Facebook. Such a useless waste of time. Such an addictive useless waste of time. Which provides me with all sorts of other ways to waste more time, such as this fun meme... which I have copied from my facebook Notes...

And I'm doing this two ways - one I'll use my entire library (a), one I'll use my "general listenage" playlist, which I listen to way more often (b).


Life Soundtrack
IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie

Opening Credits:
a) Our Lady Peace - "Automatic Flowers" (ooo...kkkk....)
b) Our Lady Peace - "Are You Sad" (OLP it is, then...)

Waking Up:
a) The Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo De Silos - "Descendit". ( must be a slow morning...)
b) Green Day - "She's A Rebel"

First day at High School:
a) Glenn Miller and His Orchestra - "Skylark" (How idealistic...)
b) The Verve - "Neon Wilderness" (I _wish_ high school had passed in a drugged out blur...)

Falling in Love:
a) JS Back - "Herr, gehe nicht ins Gericht mit Deinem Knecht" - BWV 105 (Ok, so maybe I'm living a period drama?)
b) The Killers - "Somebody Told Me" (Well, at least it's a little peppier...)

Fight Song:
a) Weezer - "Knock-Down-Drag-Out" (How apt...)
b) Edith Piaf - "J'm'en fou pas mal" (Excellent... just blow off the fight... it's the non-fight...)

Breaking Up:
a) Loreena McKennitt - "The Highwayman" (Well... it's about a guy getting shot for true love... oh, the irony...)
b) Radiohead - "I Can't" (I've got no snappy comments for this...)

Prom:
a) The Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo De Silos - "Absolve" (Nice, I'm getting forgiven of all my sins... at prom?!!?)
b) Noellie McDonnell - "Stars" (much better than a bunch of chanting monks).

Life:
a) Jack Johnson - "We're Going To Be Friends" (Yes, I admit to owning the Curious George soundtrack. It was a gift.)
b) Bon Jovi - "You Give Love A Bad Name" (Ummm...)

Mental Breakdown:
a) Paul O'Dette - "Mellancoly Galliard" (by John Dowland) (Apparently I will break down slowly, quietly, and unheard/seen by most of the world...)
b) Radiohead - "Vegetable" (Yup, looks like I'll have a nice, quiet breakdown)

Driving:
a) Gary Jules - "Mad World" (Maybe I'm driving after the breakup? After the breakdown?)
b) The Verve - "Come On" (Not much better for driving, really...)

Flashback:
a) The New Pornographers - "The Body Says No" (?!)
b) Glenn Miller - "A Million Dreams Ago" (iTunes finally picks something a bit appropriate...)

Getting Back Together:
a) Queen - "Bohemian Rhapsody" (I shit you not...)
b) Michael Frant & Spearhead - "Yell Fire" (it was iTunes free track of the week at one point...)

Wedding:
a) The Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo de Silos - "Prefacio de Difuntos" (I give up)
b) Neko Case - "Lion's Jaws" (it's got a good sound, but the lyrics... not so much wedding material...)

Birth of Child:
a) Franz Ferdinand - "You're The Reason I'm Leaving" (yet another reason not to have children)
b) Sigur Ros - "Saeglopur" (if I had any idea what they were really singing, I'd make some snappy comment about it)

Final Battle:
a) por nada - "Eastern Star" (yay, iTunes finally picked something that sort of works!)
b) The Muppets - "Mah-Na-Mah-Na" (geesh... what is it, a battle with styrofoam pool noodles?)

Death Scene:
a) Hefner - "The Hymn For The Alcohol" (Hm... maybe I'll die a sad, lonely, acoholic)
b) Jeff Buckley - "Corpus Christi Carol" (ooh, haunting...)

Funeral Song:
a) Skye - "Solitary" (reflection of the sad, lonely alcoholic death, I guess...)
b) Glenn Miller - "You and I" (I guess if I'm going, I'm taking someone with me...)

End Credits:
a) Jeff Buckley - "Lilac Wine" (kinda depressing, no one would stick around...)
b) Rammstein - "Seemann" (I've got nothing, really...)

So, one of my weird things that I do is that I signed up to browse the Sotheby's auction catalogues online (yup, that's right, you can't actually see the items up for sale unless you register and log in... but moving on...) that pertain to things I'm interested in - textiles, antiques, musical instruments, books, etc. It's almost a guilty pleasure - one of those things you're sort of embarassed about, but that isn't bad for you or anyone around you...so why should I actually be embarrassed?

Not that I will ever be able to afford anything being auctioned at Sotheby's, but it's a bit of escapism, I guess.

Every now and then there's something I strongly covet. A Strad here, a book there (the 1481 edition of Homer's works in Greek was only 80,000 pounds)... But for the most part it's just seeing what all those rich English country folk are auctioning off that's interesting.

Today, for example, there's a piece of 18th century embroidered English silk about 75 cm by 101 cm... Just a random piece that looks like it was taken out of a dress that was being deconstructed... but for only £1500 (high-end estimate, could go for more, this is an auction, remember) you too could own it. What you would do with it is beyond me. Frame it and put it up somewhere? And then the conservator in me cringes at the thought of the fabric being exposed to light and such... Ah well.

For about £120,000 you could have a George III pedestal desk dating from about 1760...

£250 for a pair of Victorian ivory opera glasses...

I was very excited for a moment by what looked like a harpsichord... and it turned out it only looked like a harpsichord. It was, in fact, a marquetry sewing box. Ah well. Only £4000 for that...

And only £100,000 for a four-poster George III mahogany four-poster bed. A bargain, I say!



Someday, when I'm rich and famous... Someday...

Meh is such a great word. Syllable. Whatever. And it pretty much sums up just about everything going on these days, esp. since my last set of posts. Not much exciting has happened, not much shitty has happened... it just is.

Every Friday is jeans day here at work. You pay $2 into a fundraising pot for various costs and you get to wear jeans to an office that is otherwise business-ish attire all the time. The last fundraiser was meant to be last Friday, as the occasion for which money was being raised occurred this week (if that makes any sense). On Friday, there were several office folks lamenting that this would be the last jeans day, so I talked to the person coordinating the fundraising, and she agreed that jeans day could go on, as they still needed to raise funds. I sent an email to the department indicating this would be the case until further notice, and got a snarky one back from one of the other manager sorts saying that staff "should not come to expect this to go on and on". I sent a nice, cheerful message back indicating I was going on the advice of the fundraising coordinator person and that we could terminate it whenever the department felt we should give notice. Poop way to start the morning.

I haven't been sleeping well, either. I had this strange recurring dream... not quite a nightmare... all weekend that involved me having to meet the King of Nepal (does Nepal even have a monarchy?!) and learn all the protocol (protocal??? protocol??? Neither looks right at the mo and I'm too lazy to look it up) involved and I was completely unable to do so. There was also concern about payments and other stuff in there... I don't know about you folks, but usually when I wake up I manage to tell myself it's just a dream and go off and dream about something else. Not this time. Every time I woke up I was sure that I'd somehow fucked up the protocol.

Apartment hunting goes shittily. A lot of places aren't even keeping waiting lists at this point, since they can basically fill up with walk-ins.

I found a suit. I probably won't wear it much, since it needs to be dry cleaned, but it's there and it fits properly.

And hopefully the sore throat will not develop into full-blown illness. Cold FX here I come!

But the good-day vibes haven't worked. I've actually just managed to spark a fairly decent fight between my parents. It's not entirely my fault - they were on edge about lord knows what anyway - but I managed to find a trigger that was sure to set them off.

My dad's the one from whom I've inherited a predisposition to mental illness. I was diagnosed with depression only after years of denying that I could possibly be heading down the same path as him.

He's also a fair bit OCD. Luckily I don't seem to have developed that yet, but we'll see. His major obsession/compulsion is with movies. Loves them. He's retired now, what else is there to do, really? He buys tons, and our basement is almost literally overflowing with DVDs. I know he has Pirates of the Caribbean somewhere (which I've never seen), so I asked if I could borrow it tonight. I couldn't find it. My mom couldn't find it. Dad came down to search and that's when it exploded.

Mom began one of her rants about the thousands (yup, literally) of dollars Dad spends on DVDs, and dad did what he does best. Retreat into silence in front of her withering tirade.

It hurts so much, because dad can't entirely help what he does, and mom is so frustrated and can't see that her anger hurts him.

Lord, I need to get out of this house.

Well, now I feel like a bitch.

Whatever it was that was wrong, necessitated her being transferred out of her room and into a new one. Almost immediately.

And she was supersweet on the way out after the meeting.

I had a student come by this morning. Not an odd occurence in and of itself, but she asked to see a particular sort of person. The problem? We don't have that sort of person in our office. I asked her what her problem was, since I wouldn't be able to help her until I knew what sort of person she needed to see. That issue taken care of, we determined that she needed to see one of the coordinators.

Two of the four coordinators are off sick today, and one is out of town, including the one for this student's area. I explained this to her and asked if it could wait until Monday. Apparently it couldn't. That left only one possibility. I asked him if he would be available to see her, as the matter was somewhat urgent. Unfortunately he has appointments until 2 p.m. today, so that was the earliest he could see her.

This student was visibly upset about something, but was reluctant to talk to me about it - fair enough. I'm just the receptionist! And when I told her it was going to be 2 p.m. before she could be seen, she was adamant that that wasn't good enough. I explained the situation to her again - that this particular coordinator was the only one in today and that he would see her as soon as possible, and that she would be seen today (if he hadn't been available I would have gone to his supervisor). The coordinator in particular even stopped on his way to a meeting to tell her he was sorry he couldn't see her sooner (and these aren't, unfortunately, meetings he could have blown off).

I was feeling sorry for her. Honest. If she had a problem that seemed big enough to bring it down here to talk to someone about, it's pretty big. I told her that we were doing our best for her, and he'd take as much time as she needed, but it just couldn't happen until 2. I could see the tears ready to roll down her cheeks. I felt bad.

Until she opened her mouth and said, in the whiniest tone possible, "but what about me?!".

I was floored. I understand that it's no fun being put off for a bit when you've got a problem that's really pressing down on you. But to hear this after I'd explained that two of the coordinators were off sick (and believe me, they're sick... one is coughing and sounds like death is only a rattle away, the other made it in for five minutes this morning before she nearly collapsed), and that we would get to her as soon as humanly possible... AND after seeing the coordinator himself and hearing from him that he couldn't see her until later?!

I probably didn't handle it all that well after that. I did my best, but I think a bit of iciness crept into my voice. I apologized again that he couldn't see her immediately, but pointed out it wasn't their fault that the other two coordinators were sick. I firmly told her that I'd gotten her an appointment for as soon as possible and I'd schedule her into the coordinator's calendar right away (which I did).

She left in tears. For which I feel somewhat badly. But I'm getting sick of the complete and utter "me first, I'm the most important creature in the world, I need immediate gratification" attitude that a lot of the students around here are demonstrating. That and their complete lack of respect for authority and their neighbours (I'm privy to all of the discipline reports that occur within the complex).

It really makes me sick, to be quite honest, the way some of these students behave. I know they're in the minority. 99% of the students here don't cause trouble. That's all well and good, but the assholes are the ones that get called into the office and that I see on a semi-regular basis. I seriously wonder where they've been and what they've been allowed to get away with in order to develop these attitudes. I would've been SMACKED (well, maybe only figuratively, except by my high school math teacher who still kept a yardstick she called 'Flex' right next to her desk) at school and at home if I'd come CLOSE to saying some of the things these students say or showing the disrespect they show.

I wish I got to meet more of the good kids.

How exciting!

Go to http://libcat0.york.ac.uk, and you can search for me, and see my thesis information. You will need my last name for this, so sorry to those of you who've only ever met me in blogland.

So I've been tagged by Crafty Bean... much like Crispy, however, I will need time to think up some good, interesting, weird shit about myself to post. I've got one thing written in a draft post, but nothing else.

Friday night was a lot of fun - got to see people I don't get to see very often, meet some cool new people, snoop around in Magnolia's house (got to see the famous Red Room), and just generally have a relaxing night out.

Apparently, however, relaxing makes me tired. I worked on Saturday at TBS, and by the time 7 p.m. rolled around, I was dead on my feet. Good thing I was home by that point - I doubt a deathly pale pallor and dark under-eye circles would have made for good make-up sales. I was in bed by 10, and slept until 10:45 the next morning.

My mother has gotten it into her head that I need a suit. I already have a suit that she forced on me about 5 years ago, and I hate it. I look like a black rectangle in it. Needless to say I was not thrilled when she woke up me at 10:45 to inform me that we were going shopping for a suit for me. This from the woman who is constantly harping on me to save my money and not make purchases that aren't necessities (we'll just not talk about spa night at Eveline Charles - for all she knows we just went window shopping and out for dinner). So she says she'll pay for the suit. She paid for the last one. I've worn it maybe twice in the five years. She's not convinced that a more casual-ish suit would be more appropriate - one with a jacket that I could, say, remove from the matching pants and pair with, oh, say, jeans.... khakis... that sort of thing. I might actually wear it then. My office does, in fact, require me to wear business casual. I can usually get away with black/grey pants and a nice sweater (three guesses as to what I'm wearing right now). We even have Jeans Fridays at work (you pay $2 for the privilege of wearing jeans, and the money is a fundraiser to send students on service learning project to help the homeless in Hamilton). Suit? Not so much.

She points out that I may need it for job interviews in the future. Fine. That may be. I think she somtimes forgets that I'm not aiming to do her job - I don't want to be a lawyer, thanks. I'm not going to need to appear in front of panels and judges and the like... And so far I've managed to appear good and professional at my interviews without an actual suit... So whatever.

Perhaps the kicker on this one was that I HATE shopping at the best of times. Which is probably why she dragged me into it with no warning. But to have to shop for something I don't even want? Ouch.

In the end we failed miserably. The only suit that I sort of liked was at J. Michael and they didn't have my size in the bottom half at either of the locations we went to. I mean, I have to have it tailored anyway (waist a size smaller than hips), but they didn't have it available in my hip size - pants or skirt. Story of my life, really.

On the bright side, I did get what I was initially aiming for - a more casual jacket that can be work with jeans, etc. And I didn't have to pay for it (the one that fit nicely was about $30 more than I wanted to pay for a jacket, so my parents were just, like "early birthday present").

On the other hand, I feel more dependent than ever. If I can't even buy my own clothes, then what the hell am I doing wanting to move out on my own?

On the bright side, my parents took a drive past an apartment building that I'd mentioned where rent was affordable and the location was good, and they approved. No balcony on the building - not sure how I feel about that - there'd be no place to store my bike (yup, it lived on my balcony in my last building - it was always interesting getting it out...)... but other than that...

Anywho...

**Warning - bitch session about to begin. My apologies. I'm not a bitcher in person. Honest. It's just that the blog is my outlet... And it's a topic I've bitched about before, so you can skip it if you want.***

So. 'Tis the season. The season of love, the season of passion, etc. Valentine's day promos have shot up all over the fucking place, and I... I am bitter, as usual.

Don't get me wrong, couples are great. I'm all for love and that. I'm happy for my friends that have significant others. But there's this chunk of me that just gets... yeah, bitter is still the word I'm looking for... that all these other people out there have significant others and I don't. It's like this depressed jealousy - it can't work up enough energy to be vindictive and bitchy or to take pleasure in causing other people misery... but it's still there, eating away at me and making me sad, and I'm feeling that strange, pervasive loneliness keenly today.

Things change when people pair off... It wasn't so bad when most of the people I hung out with on a regular basis were all single... but just about everyone I work with now at the Uni is in some sort of a long-term significant relationship or other...

I dunno, like I said, this is just a giant bitch session - more to get how I'm feeling off my chest than to accuse anyone of being obnoxiously couple-y or anything. I guess I just don't know how to deal with people who have moved on to that phase of their lives while I'm still stuck well behind, without feeling like I'm missing something or inadequate somehow. I know, I know, I'm not exactly making an effort to meet people, and for now I'm blaming it on circumstance, but in all truth I'm not THAT desperate to meet anyone, really. There are so many good things about being single, but I'm having trouble seeing them today.

But now, I am off to a party, where I will hang out with a good mix of both single and not-so-single but still wonderfully awesome people and hopefully forget about this shit for at least a few hours.

So, I don't know whether it was how relaxed I was after the manicure/pedicure last night or what, but I dreamed.

I know, I know, you always dream, you just don't always remember it.

I'm not sure whether I would classify this as a nightmare, or not, though...

I dreamed that I was in York, it was graduation day, and the lovely folks at Ede and Ravenscroft had neglected to provide my gown. They didn't even have one that was slightly off size-wise that I could have worn. In short, no gown.

And because I had no gown, they weren't going to let me graduate. I threw a fit. And I woke up nearly hyperventilating. It took me a while to convince myself that I had, in fact, been dreaming.

Weird.

So, as all new employees are made to do at the University, I was made to attend "New Employee Health and Safety Orientation" on Tuesday. Never mind the fact that I've worked for the university in six or so different capacities over the years. Nope, I took more than a year off from my employment at this glorious institution, so I must be re-familiarized with the health and safety procedures expounded by the university.

Which is useful. There are plenty of health-related and safety-related things around here I should probably know. Like where the fire extinguisher is. What forms to fill out if I get hurt here. Etc. It could have been covered in a couple of hours. Seriously. But did they cover it in a couple of hours? Nope.

Instead another coworker and myself were forced to sit there for 7 hours of information that has little relevance to our office-monkey jobs. I'm never going to need to know how to tie myself off on a 40-foot ladder. I'm not going to need to know about steam valves. Granted, we may some day 'walk through a machine shop and get hurt 'cuz you don't know the rules', but in all fairness, if I have to walk through a machine shop, I'm taking someone who actually works there with me.

I also know more about mould and asbestos than I'm ever going to need to know working here. "If you see it, report it, and we'll deal with it". They could simply have left it at that. But nope, we got an hour on mould and asbestos removal. We even got a full-colour booklet in order to help us identify materials we might think are asbestos. Great. My office was built 4 years ago. Asbestos was illegal then. I really don't need to worry about that. Mould, maybe. Asbestos, no.

And did they say a damn thing about the issues that are really going to affect me? Staring at a computer screen 8 hours a day? Sitting in a chair that was obviously not ergonomically designed? Carpal tunnel syndrome? None of that.

Seriously, I think I got more injuries at FEP than I'll ever get here. I chopped my finger with an axe, for pete's sake. I burnt myself on a near-daily basis. These things happen. I'm NOT about to fill out an accident form every time I get a paper cut. I'm not about to fill out a near-miss form (yes, we have 'near-miss' forms) every time I get a paper cut. With the exception of chronic injuries, I think that's about the most damage I'm going to do to myself here.

Ok, ok, I know, I'm whining. Safety is important. But I walked out of that session CERTAIN that it was more directed at plumbers and welders and electricians and other tradespeople than it was at me, and it felt like a giant waste of time.